Sunday, July 23, 2006

And So Waiting Has Finally Ended..

No more waiting, people! After a whole year of idleness, the so great and wonderful scholarship program rewarded me with "UNSUCCESSFUL TO PARTICIPATE IN THIS YEAR'S PORGRAM" . I am so angry that it overcomes my sadness. The light at the end of the tunnel has gone off.

Why the hell did they give me the grant if they didn't paln to work hard to addmit me to a university! I don't feel that I want to apply again next year, but my parents are telling me to do so. Just thinking of how I should go through that all over again makes me sick. I've been rejected by seven universities for reasons I shall never know, and there's no wonder that it might happen again next time. I'm shocked at their inaccuracy and insensitiveness. They kept delaying the process untill I ran out of time, then they came apologizing saying "Sorry, but we won't send out you packets to universities anymore! Time has ended", as if people's destiney means nothing to them!

They tell you "once you get the grant there will be no problem at all", "you'll definetly go to the U.S."... so, and so... Then what? They tell you "Sorry dear, but getting a placement is not garanteed untill the last moment of the process". They should have mentioned this in their website instead of making sure to every desperate grantee that their biggest dream will surely come true!


I have wasted many opportunities for the sake of this one, I've lost a year of my life, a year that will never be made up again. Gosh! Just thinking how I spend the past year locking myself up at home trying to stay safe cuz I thought I'd have the greatest time very soon. How silly of me, and how cruel of them!

And now what's the next step? This I don't know. I have to make plans again, probably find some other "little" dreams and try to work them out instead of my old big dreams that faded the way mirage fades on a dead land.

I have so much rage inside that I can't put on words, so I'd better go before I start swearing and cursing...


Mad Canuck said...

Hey Morbido,

I can't blame you at all, I'd be angry too. I am very surprised you would have been turned down by all those universities after being accepted by Fulbright: after all, the acceptance criteria for a major scholarship like that is usually higher than most universities.

You're right also, in that the Fulbright program doesn't mention that risk anywhere on their website that I can see. I thought it was pretty much automatic also, once you were accepted to the program. If you had known there was such a risk, perhaps you'd have done some work on a "Plan B" you could have used in case Fulbright fell through (perhaps applying to other schools in other countries). As of now, it's almost August, the next school year is coming up, and you may find yourself wasting another school year away because of all this since you don't have any alternate plans lined up.

I feel it for you, Morbido. I really do. If I were you, I would be furious.

Melantrys said...

Well, I'd do what your parents say and try again next year.
Now you are warned, and you can work on a Plan B, should they decide to f*** you again next year.


We'll just have to party so hard that you forget your anger then. :)

qiugdowl.... very rare bird, almost extinct these days...

programmer craig said...

I'm so angry about this... that programs is run by the US State Department! It's not like it's some private organization, that's the US government! I really hope somebody loses their job! I bet some beureucrat misplaced your paperwork until it was too late and then made up a bunch of excuses to cover it up!

So sorry this happened to you, Morbido :(

It is a very good and prestigious program though, don't let some office workers mistake turn you off to the scholarship. Do you know if you have to go through the whole process again, or are you automatically accepted next time?

Neal said...

That sucks!!
I'd be angry also.

"Don't let the bastard's grind you down"

Keep on going.


Konfused Kid said...

Attawie just told me of this on the phone, I checked to see if u had written anything about it, and...

man this is so really pisses me off, especially when I know what it's like to live in Iraq at the mo, or to go aimlessly to nearby countries looking for a shelter, a job, an exile, anything...

Attawie said that u'd come Tuesday, hope u arrive safely and good luck.

and I was REALLY shocked that Micho is your sis! I never connected that, I think her blog has high points for being Arabic-written and very fluent at that, it has almost inspired me to write in Arabic on more than occasion, but it is egocentric a bit too.

Still, great blogging coincidence.


Oh, and sorry for not commenting anything, I read all your posts but I am just plain laaazy.

Melantrys said...

A very good question, Craig. I hope they at least have the decency to automatically accept her for next year after all this!

The Kid says: Oh, and sorry for not commenting anything, I read all your posts but I am just plain laaazy.

Laaazy? I think if he keeps his current laziness level going, we'll have to invent a new word for it. I sure hope he'll get off his ass for long enough to meet me over there. ;) Preferably more than just once. :P

Lynnette in Minnesota said...

I don't blame you at all for being furious. I would be too.

But I do agree with your parents. If you can, try again next year. Don't give up.

I hope you enjoy your time in Jordan and meeting up with all the bloggers there.

Original_Jeff said...

I cannot imagine how let-down and angry you must feel. I am angry that the program administrators kept you in the dark for so long. They should have worked with you more closely to align your background and goals with the universities.
You are a bright young person, and I know you will do well in all that you do, and I hope you do reach those dreams--both big and small.

alhakak said...

I am not sure what to say...... This is the most disappointing news I have heared. I am so sorry Morbid. Hope this will be a start to something else that is better.

If one door closes.... god will open hundered other doors for you Inshallah.

Bill said...

I cant say it better than This

aNarki-13 said...

my friend and sister, please, never give up..

i promise you, in the coming years, you'll look back to this day and smile, and not a morbid smile, at that!

come on, this is life, you cant expect it to be fair.. like i told Mel, there's ONE trick to life:


turn a new page, start anew.

words are cheap, i know, and it hurts like hell, i know that too..
i also know that things DO get better..

take care now, come tuesday, hope to hear from you soon!

salam to all.

Lisa, New York said...


I understand your anger and I share it. Don't give up, though, as others have said. Use that anger to work for what you want. Be persistent. Maybe there's a way to be accepted for the Spring semester that starts in January? If I were you, I would start asking some detailed questions of the Fulbright people, such as "Can I apply for the Spring or do I have to wait until next Summer? Am I automatically accepted (or at least put at the top of the list) to try again for next year's program? Why was I rejected? What can I do to improve my chances? Can I contact universities myself?" etc.

If this is something you really want, keep trying and don't give up. In the meantime, try to relax and enjoy yourself. You're still very young and have lots of time to do the things you want to do in life.

Mad Canuck said...


that programs is run by the US State Department! It's not like it's some private organization, that's the US government! I really hope somebody loses their job!

If it's the State Department, I wouldn't count on someone losing their job. Remember, the government tends to pay its employees significantly worse than the private sector. In interesting areas of the government (NASA, the military, FBI, CIA, etc.), they have no trouble recruiting highly skilled workers. However, in other government areas, you tend to find many the kind of flunkies who'd have trouble keeping a job in the private sector. This latter group tend to have horrible customer service skills, poor motivation, a bad attitude, and/or factors that would impair their success outside the government.

Personally, I've had more bad experiences than good with the State Department. Some of their visa officers are among the coldest-hearted government bureaucrats you will ever run across. Some of them seem to enjoy denying visas out of pure malice, and others just simply don't care.

Knowing now that the Fulbright program is run by the State Department, I'm less surprised by Morbido's treatment.


A very good question, Craig. I hope they at least have the decency to automatically accept her for next year after all this!

If the same State Department mentality prevails here as they use for visa processing, the fact that she was "UNSUCCESSFUL TO PARTICIPATE" this year means she should be automatically rejected next year. Let's hope they don't remember she applied this year.... :(

rchsod said...

sorry to hear you can`t come to the usa.. i`m not sure why you were turned down but take heart in the fact that many people are getting turned away at our borders. never give up hope because maybe things will change in the usa and we will let you contribute to our understanding of your country.

David said...

Hi Morbido,

I am so sorry about this bad news! I am angry also! Why couldn't they send out one more packet for you?!

Well, you have every right to be angry and disappointed. So, I will not say that you should do this or that right now. I think you need room to breathe and time to think.

You will be in Amman among friends soon. Try to relax and enjoy yourself. You need a healing experience and I hope this trip will be that for you!

Take care my friend!

Eris said...

The whole thing sucks, really!
But please, don't give up your dreams...
I am sure alla your efforts will be rewarded.
I know it's not easy, though...

CharlesWT said...


I'm so very sorry the Fulbright Scholarship hasn't worked out for you...yet.

Take a look at the Fulbright Association. The organization or some of its members may be able to give you advice and council on how to proceed. There is an online community. No doubt others have confronted the same obstacles that you are confronting. Also, they have a representative in Jordan.

In the mean time, put all this aside and enjoy your stay in Jordan. You deserve to have some fun for a change.

cooliraqi80 said...

3asa an takraho shay2an wahwa 7'aron lakom . really i was so sad to hear this , but you have to do like what (lisa newyork said) try to know why? so you can know what to improve(if there is somthing from the start) atleast when you know why you wont be hurt , if the reason was there stupidity (which i think it is ) then you will be satisfied , maybe its our toefl or gre scor? also try to ask them for other oppurtunities , they have to help you becoz they gave you the grant ? you didnt pay them for it?!!!

Morbid Smile said...

Hello friends :) and thank you all for your support! Well, I've been sending emails with many detailed questions to the Fulbright since I knew about the five universities' rejection. Later they told me that they tried with seven. BUT they never answered any of my questions! All what they were saying was "we don't know". Then who knows!

They said they don't know why those seven universities have rejected me, and it's more likely that they IIE won't know the reason, or won't tell the Fulbright about it. I asked them if I'm going to be automatically transferred to the next year or not, and they send me a big "NO" and telling me that I should apply again next year if I'd like to! They simply pulled away the grant from me. I won't even be on the top of their list next year. So, if I want to, I'll wait till March or April 2007 to apply again... and then will go through the same long process all over again.

You're right, Mad Canuck, the Program doesn't metion the risk anywhere, and the problem is that they kept making sure for all grantees that nothing wrong will happen as long as we have the grants and that there's no way to be let down! I blame myself for not having a "plan B" now, but I never had a clue that I would need it as I never ever doubted that something like this would happen. I believe it's a first. And by the way, I knew that I'm not the only one in this; I got an email from another Fulbrighter with me telling me that he, too, had been let down, and he doesn't know the reasons as well.

Thanks, Mel! I guess we'll party soon ;) I will probably apply again, but I just hate the fuss I made about the whole thing from the beginning! But I was just sure..

Hi Craig! Well, untill last night I was wishing if the whole Fulbright thing would vanish not just hoping for somebody losing their job! ;) But that won't solve anything. I started to think that maybe it's not even my mistake; with submitting each application, they were sending us emails telling us whether the application we submitted was correct or needed some adjustments. I just prefer not to think about it at this point now! It brings a sever headache!!

Hi Neal, and welcome here and thank you :)

Hey Kid, so glad to see you here! :) Long time! I don't feel good about wandering aimlessly for the current time, I've always had something to do or something to looking forward to.. but I know now that I should give some rest to my mind in order to be able to figure out what to do next. I'm not sure, but maybe if I find something good to do in Jordan I might stay there..

Somehow I thought you knew Micho is my sister! We shared this blog at the beginning but I was the only one writing here untill she decided to have one of her own. She'd be glad to know that you're reading her posts :)
See you there!

Hello Lynnette! Thank you, dear :) I will probably apply next year. I just can't bear the thought that I will have to stay here for a longer time! Applicants of 2007 are supposed to leave in 2008. That's just so long!

Hi Jeff!

Thank you alot :) I started to gain my hope back faster than I thought, and will do something soon.. But I still feel angry at them!

Hi Ali, glad to see you here :) I was actually about to email you when I got your comment here, but electricity dropped (as usual)and I couldn't send it! Thank you so much. Will talk to you from Jordan :)

Bill, what to say? The link you sent me is one of the most things that inspired me! THANK YOU! :)

Anarki! I think it's hard to give up when surrounded by friends like you :)Though I still feel angry, the feeling of helplessness has gone! Meet you there, bro :)

Hi Lisa, and thank you! I asked the Fulbright all the questions you mentioned. There is no way to be accepted for the Spring semester cuz they pulled the grant from me. I'm not a Fulbrighter anymore now, and I have to wait for the next's year competition to apply again (that means I have to take the TOEFL exam once again, get new recommendation papers and fill the application all over again) I might change the proposed field of study, but a friend of mine told me to keep on the same major as they like persistent people. The question that I keep asking them everyday is why was I rejected. I tried to ask the question in many ways and told them I need the answer in order to improve my application and my chances for getting a placement next year. However, they never answerd it!

I can contact universities myself now, but I can't afford studying on my own, and that's why I needed the scholarship. It's fully funded. At the same time, I will contact universities in other countries as well and try to get addmissions or grants.

Hello rchsod, I'm, too, not sure why I was turned down! The Fulbright program is supposed to be an easy way to get to the States; they choose the candidates and give them grants, and they issue them visas and all. I was just being unlucky this time!

Davie! A special thanks to you for helping get addmission to your university! :) I think that if I knew about this problem earlier I would have been able to get a placement there. As you said, there's no harm sending out one more packet, but that was that, I guess :(

Eris, NO I will not give up! and will work harder next time.

Charleswt, you always come up with good links! ;) I took a look at them. I'll keep asking questions and will keep sending email in order to know why I was rejected, and at the same time will try to improve my application and see if there were any mistakes have been done and avoid them next time.

Hello cooliraqi, and welcome here again! They have told me that my TOEFL score was fine, I was 7 points above the required score. As about the GRE, I don't know about it as they didn't give out the results! I will have the exam again and will improve it inshalla.

In the meantime, I will work on imroving my CV, will get a job, or maybe more than one, and will keep searching for other chances to study abroad.

I'll be in Jordan tomorrow, and will keep posting from there as much as possible. See you all soon :)

For Mel,

pgtdefw ... A new scholarship's name, maybe! ;)

Treasure of Baghdad said...

I am so sad and mad. I can' blame you for all the sadness u r going through!

Please don't give up... Apply to a University, not depending on Fulbright... Try to search for universities like I did. You will definetly find one.

I am sorry again...

Zeyad said...

I was shocked when I heard the news too. Unfortunately though, when it comes to entry to the US, nothing is ever guaranteed. My visa application here was approved but they said it was still not guaranteed that I would actually enter the states; I could even be denied entry at JFK airport, student visa notwithstanding.

My advice is to write to individual universities. Shove your blog articles and radio interviews with US stations in their face. They'll be impressed, I assure you. You might even have a good chance in getting a scholarship if they like you enough. And of course, I would still try to participate in next year's Fullbright program. Never give up.

Hope to see you here in Amman soon.

Lynnette in Minnesota said...

Zeyad is right Morbido.

"The squeaky wheel gets the grease."

Persistance can pay off. And people are impressed by those who try hard.

cooliraqi80 said...

I hope your journey to the airport will be easy this time , . one of the things that you can do is to complet your study at jordan , they have many good colleges here , some of them have partnership with american universities and offer masters of one year , maybe you can imporve yourself until the next fulbright scholarship comes ?many iraqis are doing this here in jordan while waiting for the opportunity to get out from here and of cource the expenses would be reasonable here in jordan in comparisom to states and europ, anyway if you need any help in jordan let me know ?

Original_Jeff said...

Morbid Smile,
How is Jordan?
Are you going to see Petra while you are in Jordan? I've always wanted to go see that...

Gilgamish said...

Morbid smile,

I am new to your blog, and all I want to say, is that never give up, you still young :)

cile said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
aNarki-13 said...

thank you, you know who you are!

(bows in respect)

Zappy! said...

Morbid Smile You sent me this E-mail in April
"I felt so sad when I read about how your dream of studying abroad was turned down. We all knew that it was impossible to get to the States during Saddam's time, but you had a great courage and determination to go on for your dreams. Maybe you have a better chance to filfull that dream as there are some fully funded scholarships to the U.S., I got the Fulbright Scholarship myself :)"

I believe that the light at the end of the Tunnel is a Train! but then you have to be more determined, keep trying and never stop, we are people cursed with unhappiness, but we could always stand tall like a Palm tree.
ah by the way plan B should be the British council scholarshps, and Plan C should be the Australian Scholarship, I have no Idea about them but since you are in Amman you should get in contact with the British Councel They talk things more seriuoslly.

Hajar said...

I'm so sorry little sis!
I hope you find something else to make you happy!

Anonymous said...


I read about everything you've gone through with the Fulbright, and I just wanted to give you my sympathies and offer any help I can give. I'm Lizzie, a friend of Wren's and Amelia's at War News Radio. We'd love to get in touch with you to check in and to see if there's anything we can do for you. Send me an email at whenever you can. Thanks!

Take care,

Anonymous said...

perhaps you can teach those american jewish pigdogs a lesson by becoming a martyr. that will show them not to mess with you. stop crying and regain your arab dignity by becoming a martyr.